Running Away vs. Do overs

Time flies. The pending date of leaving San Diego this August seemed so far down the road. I thought I would be able to soak up everything and everybody I needed to before I left, but today I looked at my calendar and realized August will soon be here. I guess I'm crossing that point in my mind and emotions where I'm halfway looking forward to the move to Utah and halfway agonizing over leaving San Diego. A vital piece of my story is that even though I grew up in Oregon and spent 8 years in Los Angeles, San Diego was always where I wanted to settle down. I was born here and I have always been a die hard Padres and Chargers fan. Of course, the stellar weather and the beach don't make it any easier to leave.

When you permanently move from what you call home, you of course reflect upon all that your are leaving behind (sounds like a good U2 song). I guess the hardest thing to lose are the people in your life. We always say we'll keep in touch and that we'll continue to see each other, but so rarely does this ever happen. There are friends and co-workers who make a difference in our lives, and if we do our job well hopefully we make a difference in theirs. It's whether or not we make a difference that I struggle with...the lingering and ever growing feeling that I have disappointed and/or inadvertantly hurt so many people. It grows because it accumulates over time. So when an opportunity to leave comes and I take it I wonder if I'm leaving to run away from this struggle. My wife asked me just last week if I am running away from something. Basically my response was I don't know. There certainly is a trend of me moving on to a new stage in life every few years. Am I running?

There is another way of looking at it. In 1998 I was asked to be the 6th grade graduation speaker for the school I was teaching at but soon leaving for grad school. I know, quite an honor to be a 6th grade speaker (actually it really was). Anyway, the title of my address was "Sometimes Life Gives You a Do Over." Before me were a bunch of 6th graders I knew well. Some were little brats and some were absolute delights, but all of them were filled with potential and all of them were going to have to start over the following year. There was something for them to look forward to but I knew they were all a little scared. I looked at them and told them that when the scenery of your life changes you are being given a new chance on life. A new chance to be the person you want to be. You are a blank slate to everybody new you meet and this gives you the opportunity to care for them perfectly.

Maybe part of me wants to run away, but I think it's more about wanting a do over. A chance to do things right. A chance to be a better husband, a better father, and a better friend. Of course we don't need to move a thousand miles for do overs to cross our path. This last Easter Andrew Sullivan wrote an essay for Time Magazine. It was the story of Ashley Smith, the woman who was held hostage by Brian Nichols, a man who had already raped one woman and murdered four men. Ashley was no saint, but one night she was given a do over and for a moment she was an angel.

And worth reading is the do over story of all do over stories--that of John Newton, the writer of Amazing Grace. Hopefully these two stories will spur all of you on to take advantage of your next do over.